If Knock Knockers Ruled the World Our First Order of Business Would Be . . .

“My first order of business would be to make the standard workweek four days instead of five, because honestly, who wants to work five days a week?” —Elyse, manufacturing director

Presidents’ Day celebrates the respected minds that molded our country into what it is today. And hey, one president in particular may even win an Oscar® this year!

As admirable as these leaders are, we pondered what the country would be like if Knock Knockers graced the faces of Mount Rushmore instead. So members of the Knock Knock team put on wishful-thinking hats and answered this question:

If you were president of the entire world, what would be your first order of business and why? 

“My first order of business would be to make it a law that every citizen should carry a WTF Stamp and stamp their fellow government representative on their forehead if they were not carrying out the job they were hired to do.” —Lonnie, national sales manager


“For my first order of business, I propose we have fewer police—no, no, not anything to do with a reduction in the police force. I mean a new federal law enforcement organization established to arrest people who incorrectly use the word ‘less’ instead of ‘fewer.’ The ‘fewer’ police would be a kind of grammar SWAT team, if you will, equipped with very special weapons and tactics. A pocket version of the Chicago Manual of Style could be used to Mirandize offenders.” —Jamie, editor at large


“As president, I would do a nightly fireside chat where I’d read children’s books to the world, starting with Shel Silverstein’s Where the Sidewalk Ends. I’d also offer free physical education classes (for example, swimming classes, because we’ve got a lot of lakes in my home state of Michigan!), and give city-wide tax breaks to those municipalities that get their citizens to dance walk (http://bit.ly/YAsnAS) everywhere they go.”


“I would outlaw use of the word ‘artisanal.'” —Kate, associate editor and mother-to-be. Note: this is Kate and her artisanal, locally grown, single-source baby.


“I would establish a world constitution, to which all countries were subject, that addresses the most basic human rights issues; animal rights issues; and, most importantly, issues of the dying Earth and global warming. The most urgent order of business would be to put together a plan for reversing damage to the Earth by whatever means necessary.” —Jen


“Let’s take some inspiration from the Spanish (or my toddler) and institute a nationwide siesta. Restorative naps: required by law! If only we were One Nation Under Rebecca. Which reminds me, ‘One Nation Under a Groove’ is the new national anthem. I promise to funk, the whole funk.” —Rebecca, assistant editor


“If I were president, my first order of business would be to mandate ovens/toaster ovens in every office, so anyone could take a break from work and bake delicious treats. Treat-making breaks would be mandated into the workweek every Wednesday (since Wednesday is the longest day of the work week).” —Aimée, designer


What would be your first order of business? Tell us in a comment!