Don’t be a frosty snowman (or woman) this season. Consult our What Not To Say book during your holiday downtime—and while in the general vicinity of other human beings—and avoid being a prick. No one likes a holiday stress-inducing Scrooge, especially not the faux pas-spouting kind.
What Not to Say at the Airport
1. A bean burrito and two coffees are just what I needed before a five-hour flight.
2. I’m on a no-fly list, but only to countries in the United Nations.
3. My service animal is a python.
4. Someone help me chug this before going through security!
5. What’s the TSA’s policy on MDMA?
What Not to Say at a Family Gathering
1. I figured I’d see all of you here or at the next funeral.
2. Are we eating the same thing as last time? Because that gave me the squirts.
3. Is it a problem if I move back in?
4. You’ve come a long way since those diary entries I read.
5. My therapist was right.
What Not to Say in Church
1. I’m starving. When do we get those crackers?
2. I’m not wearing any underwear.
3. I think the mushrooms are starting to kick in.
4. You call that wine?
5. Hail, Satan!
What Not to Say During a Dinner Party
1. Let’s talk politics!
2. I brought a nice bottle of red… Mountain Dew.
3. Would you mind cooking this steak a little more?
4. Oh, this is the main course.
5. Before I start eating–your toilet works fine, doesn’t it?
What Not to Say at An Office Party
1. This is just like the party they threw right before the last round of layoffs.
2. I overheard the boss talking–what’s a hostile takeover?
3. Remember the last holiday party? I don’t.
4. This is cool because I’m usually drunk at the office anyway.
5. Oh, so you’re the one who’s not getting promoted.
Have an awkward holiday exchange to share? Tell us in a comment.