What In The Hell Should You Get Your Relatives? Great (Holiday) Gifts of the Week

Found this cheesy stock photo (sounds redundant) in our archive. Or wait—is that your Uncle Bernie?

Take a moment and sniff the air for a second (however, if there’s a dumpster nearby, hold off). Do you smell that? It seems the crisp autumn air has been inevitably laced with the scent of fake snow-frosted windows, ready-to-bake reindeer sugar cookies, and mild pit perspiration from the guy next to you, because, like you, he’s suddenly realized the holiday season is upon us. And he, like yourself, may have no idea what presents to score for loved ones (or people secretly disliked but you can’t seem to break ties with for whatever reason).

But don’t you fret, friends. We’ve got you covered.

For the next few weeks, we’re making our list (and checking it twice—go ahead, roll your eyes) of gift ideas for each and every type of person in your life.

This week it’s all about gifts for your beloved family, both immediate and extended, who we’re sure you’re excited to be in close quarters with. Spread that holiday cheer and pick out a present for:

She can navigate through all her drunken galore with our Rate That Wine Pad.

1. The Nearly-Always-Inebriated Aunt. To clarify, she’s the aunt who, when visiting for a quiet dinner, awkwardly kisses you on the lips with coral lipstick and still mistakes you for your other siblings. The night seems to escalate into her holding an empty martini glass while belting Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away” on karaoke. And while we have plenty of products for an intoxicating time, we think she’ll love our Rate That Wine Pad. It gives her an excuse to drink as much wine as she wants to on any regular day. But if you are actually concerned for her health, you can also give her our Health Log. Clue her in on her habits with nonverbal tough love.

Is your cousin passive-aggressive? They need our Passive-Aggressive Nifty Notes.

2. The Passive-Aggressive Cousin Once Removed. Even though they’re blood-related, cousins can be some of the most competitive people on this planet—in competition with you, of course. We’re not sure if it’s their self-consciousness teeming up inside them, but if your cousin tends to beat around the bush when they communicate with you, give them a slight dose of their own medicine by presenting them with our Passive-Aggressive Nifty Notes. With these notes, they can fully embody their subtle yet firm interactions. And our Report Cards for Real Life allows more space for constructive criticism for others.

The Emo Sibling can curse the world in our In My Humble Opinion Journal.

3. The Emo Sibling. Whether it’s your little brother who just started his infatuation with Bright Eyes, or your older sister, who’s now recently single and still Facebook-stalks her ex-boyfriend, we all have a sibling currently giving the world the middle finger. Why not help them channel their angst with our In My Humble Opinion or I’m Going to Die Inner-Truth Journals? It can be their sunny, sunny haven.

He or she would love our Personal Library Kit. That is, if they’re avid readers.

4. Your Favorite Parent. You do have one, don’t you? It’s either mom or dad who tended to take your side, who gave you an extra dollar for allowance, who didn’t tell the other parent about your joy ride in the family car that one night. Why not show the parent (that you love more) how much you appreciate them by helping them organize their own book collection with our Personal Library Kit? Or, if they’re not much of a reader but more of a green thumb, schedule a time to garden with them and plan out your time with our Plant This Pad. And if that doesn’t fit their fancy, buy their laughs with our Slang Flashcards. They’ll think you’re straight “ill.”